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Midterms have somehow already started, and you’re starting to realize that you might not score high enough to actually pass some of your classes. What you need is an easy fix so you don’t have to delay your graduation again. Sure, you could study, but why do that when you can take some of these questionably moral actions to artificially boost your course grades?

1. Mix up your classmates’ formula sheets

This is the perfect solution for you physics students, because nobody is remembering all those formulas and constants. Here’s some simple edits that might really screw a smarter student over: Try mixing up the values of some constants, or just removing a variable from an equation. Maybe change the ideal gas law to TV = nRP. Really, anything should work.

1. Break into the professor’s office

But honestly, reducing the chances that a single student does well might not be worth it. If your exams are on paper, this is a surefire way to fix the curve in your favor. Find where your professor is keeping all the completed exams, and just edit them. Maybe switching around answers randomly, or even just replacing answers with funny pictures. I saw a Reddit post once where someone got a negative score on a math exam for drawing some… not safe for work Alvin and the Chipmunks fanart, so maybe try that?

1. Abuse campus superstitions

The power of superstition is extremely strong at University of Maryland, so you definitely have room to get creative with this one. Try dragging your classmates’ unconscious bodies across the point of failure in a body bag, or pissing in the vodka bottles they’re sacrificing to Testudo. If people think they’ve violated a superstition, they won’t even bother trying on their exams!

1. Give your classmates COVID

One of the more common side effects of COVID is brain fog, which basically means COVID patients are bad at thinking. If that doesn’t make them fail the exam, they might miss two weeks of class to quarantine and be so swamped with makeup work that their grades tank anyway.

1. Cancel culture

UMD cares a lot about its public image, so if it came out that a top-performing student said something incredibly problematic online, UMD could expel them. If you do enough social media stalking you might be able to find some actual evidence, but honestly, you could just doctor an image showing them saying something racist, and it would probably get the job done.

1. Hire an assassin

This one might be expensive, but it should certainly be effective. All you need to do is find an assassin on the dark web and give them the information of everyone projected to get an A in your class. With their good grades gone, the professor will have no choice but to boost yours!

1. Sonic warfare

If you know where the best students live, then just play some obnoxiously loud noises at irregular intervals outside their residences. The goal here is to disrupt their sleep schedule enough that they cannot effectively study, or think while taking their exam. This can be done by using military grade ultrasonic weapons, or simply by recruiting the marching band.

1. Invitations to join your study group

Being an awful studier has its perks sometimes. Strong students will jump at any opportunity to study, but they don’t know you’re the worst person to be studying with. By allowing them into your study group, your stupidity can rub off on them, and they will mess up on the exam almost as much as you do!

Disclaimer: The UMD Hare claims no responsibility for any legal action taken against you in taking this advice.