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After a red-hot start to the season beating two teams no one has ever heard of, the Maryland Terrapins Football team has proactively declared themselves the 2025 National Champions of Division I College Football. With their second consecutive win, resulting in a spotless 2-0 record and outscoring their opponents by a combined 43 points, the Terrapins decided to skip the “pointless” rest of the college football season and just give themselves the championship trophy.

“It was clear to us who the real winners of this season are,” said Coach Mike Locksley. When asked about his success, he went on to explain “after that great win over, uhm, whatever school that was, uh, it was obvious that we are the best team in the nation.” This decision is also an act of immense charity, as declaring the champion now will save the rest of the schools on the schedule from being completely and utterly embarrassed by the widely superior Terrapins.

The announcement came after multiple teams claiming to be ranked in the Associated Press Top 25, including Texas, Clemson, Alabama, and Michigan, already have losses on their record. Sports pundits from all around Prince George’s County agree that a sample size of two games is clearly enough to declare a champion. When asked about the bitter loss, a spokesperson from LSU, another 2-0 school currently ranked #3 in the country, puzzledly replied “Maryland has a football team?

Given this unprecedented level of success, sports analysts and scouts are projecting that every single one of the 105 players on the Maryland roster will be drafted into the NFL next year, shattering previous records. John Harbaugh, Head Coach of the Baltimore Ravens, commented on this influx of talent into the league: “I really like that Stefon Diggs guy, I think he could be grea–oh, he left Maryland ten years ago? Never mind.”

Tune in next week to watch the trophy ceremony at Capital One Arena SECU Stadium.