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EPPLEY RECREATIONAL CENTER – President Kruskal has been seen enforcing a new rule: exercise is now mandatory. With thousands of students excited or potentially dreading coming to the University of Maryland for the upcoming school year, the start of this new semester has led to many changes being instituted by President Kruskal and his new team, recently coined the Kruskalites. President Kruskal has recently been re-elected by majors outside of Computer Science who decided that their CS friends don’t care about them. 

One of the Kruskalites, junior bioengineering major Anita Terra-Pyst, noted how her friend, computer engineering major Jim Esborin, was “too busy debugging the memory leaks in his C project to go to the gym,” but he accidentally posted a livestream of him revving the engines of various Mazdas in the Regents Drive Parking Garage. Esborin was spotted driving a construction crane to pull them outside of Somerset and Denton Halls and block students inside from going to the gym because “it made him jealous.” The number of Mazda vehicles outside of the two dorms was counted to be exactly two hundred sixty-seven and a half.

Thus, in the light of CS majors needing to burn calories instead of sitting on their laptops all day, the administration has made physical education and going to the gym mandatory for all students. According to President Kruskal, the main reason for this was to go “touch grass,” but insider reports state a potential motive of making students skip their CMSC 351 midterms so he can easily give them zeros.

The new requirement states that both new and returning students now have to take GRAS 100, Learning to Touch Grass, for every semester that they stay at UMD, including the winters and summers. As part of the course, students are now required to schedule time at Eppley with their professors for a 4-hour-long workout in-between classes or else receive an XF for academic dishonesty. They also have to participate in a lecture at Ritchie Coliseum where they are taught to run upside down on the ceiling before paragliding to the Reckord Armory.

Some of the students are happy about this. Sophomore CS major Traquin Calorís wrote in an email to The Hare, “I can finally find some friends who are actually willing to go to the gym with me and work out!” Whether his friends are there to lift weights or are there because they are being threatened with academic probation remains a mystery. 

“Oh, come on! I thought my one-meal-a-day-every-three-weeks diet was enough for me!!! Do I REALLY need to exercise?” complained sophomore CS/math double major Aldrick Joves Amparo to underpaid staff working for The Hare. Amparo was sitting in Professor Morawski’s data science class just as he was about to look at exercise statistics of different majors and the horrifically low fitness levels of CS and math majors. 

“I mean, I already notice that computer science majors seem to just be sitting around a lot of the time, unlike the history and sociology majors, but at least we get good grades!” Amparo’s records at the University of Maryland show that he has never visited Eppley before, or even a gym of any sort, in his seventeen years of existence on planet Earth.

An extremely buff student named Justin Mai-Werkoute yelling “SHUT UP NERRRDDDD!!!” was heard in the background of the interview recording. University records show he is repeating both ENGL 101 and COMM 107 for the third time due to skipping class in favor of working out at Crunch Fitness. Amparo declined to comment on the insult as he was about to lose more of his sanity in Advanced Calculus I, but the look in his eyes suggested to the reporters that they should drag the buff student to the natatorium and push him into the deep end of the swimming pool. 

Changes have also been reported to Eppley Recreational Center as a celebration of increased traffic to the gymnasium. Eppley has recently been redecorated with flags that have pictures of Nicki Minaj on them, as well as a golden statue of President Kruskal holding the Nicki Minaj flag, sitting in the middle of the gymnasium’s entrance. A picture of one of these flags being hung inside one of the Armory’s massive lecture halls has been posted to YikYak. More details to follow after our reporters come back from their fifth evening muscular endurance workout.