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COLLEGE PARK – Michael “Mike-Mike” Richardson, age 43, is in a race against the clock. A furious beeping emanates from a court-ordered ankle monitor, one of many conditions of his ongoing probation. He maintains his innocence: “No one told me it was illegal.” No further explanation was given.

Richardson waits anxiously on the corner of Baltimore Ave and Knox Road, keeping an eye out for local police. “September in College Park is unbeatable,” he boasts. “It’s like Black Friday, but instead of TVs you get lovely young ladies from New Jersey.”

His digital watch flashes. On cue, caravans of students arrive from the nearby University of Maryland campus, trickling into the area’s bars and nightclubs. Richardson runs a comb through his thinning hair, hikes up his basketball shorts, and begins his rounds.

Outside of Terrapin’s Turf, a local hotspot for underage drinking and underground cage fights, Richardson offers a Ziploc baggie of mint-flavored Juul pods to a herd of young women. “Are y’all new in town?” he probes, winking so hard he almost loses his balance. He hands out business cards – torn squares of cardboard cereal boxes bearing his home phone and fax numbers – to anyone who will look him in the eye.

A spokesman for the Prince George’s County Police Department later reported that Richardson’s ankle monitor features a remote detonation device, per a judge’s order. Documentation from the device’s manufacturer, Securitronix, specifies a minimum “20-30 foot radius” in the event of detonation. Unable to separate Richardson from the crowds of students, officers did not give a detonation order.

Though 43-year-old Richardson went home alone, he’s no less happy with his night. Stumbling into his Old Town rental, a porch light illuminates his doormat, reading “I get older, but they stay the same age.”

Richardson’s ex-wife could not be reached for comment. A relative informed The Hare that he “hasn’t been quite right” since a childhood barbecuing accident.