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No law enforcement response was launched Friday when the entire Adele H. Stamp Student Union building was uprooted from its foundations near Campus Drive and slowly carried off the University of Maryland campus. Every university police officer was preoccupied with a crackdown on dangerous scooter-borne students and did not notice the structure disappear.

On January 26, multiple social media outlets reported UMPD officers stationed along sidewalks and major intersections, stopping and issuing warnings to the infamous ‘handlebar hooligans’ operating scooters on sidewalks or ignoring stop signs on roads. According to a UMD Hare correspondent, some students riding bicycles were also stopped for the same offenses.

While every UMPD asset was assigned to mitigate this micromobility crisis, several students observed an unidentified group of youth surround the Stamp SU complex and declare a “devious lick” before collectively picking up the building and walking it out of sight.

“That’s it. You little shitbirds continue to insist on trying our patience,” the UMD Department of Transportation Services representative Slasher Tyres. “After years of reminder emails and cutesy little safety pledges on Google Forms, you are forcing us to have the UMPD actually enforce the rules we’ve been making. You have no one to blame for this but yourselves. Now leave me alone while I go to Maryland Dairy and— huh. Never mind.”

Services such as the university bookstore and the Department of Fraternity and Sorority Life have been temporarily relocated to somebody’s garage near Adelphi Park. Students with medical dependencies on Panda Express and Chick-fil-A products are directed to contact the UMD Health Center for alternatives.

As of press time, the Maryland Terrapins football team’s Gossett Hall facility has also been stolen. UMPD and neighboring municipal departments are executing a comprehensive search for the missing building with advisory support from the FBI Hostage Rescue Team.