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EXCLUSIVE — The Hare’s investigative journalists have discovered that Ellicott Hall—scheduled to undergo maintenance this semester—has been stolen and replaced with a life-size cardboard standee. The UMCP residence hall that once housed 535 students now houses only a compostable, eco-friendly facade.
Residential Facilities announced this July that the hall would begin undergoing renovations this Fall, implementing a plan put forth by a dedicated committee in February, 2023. However, it would seem this plan was all for naught, as when workers began to enter the building, brand-new air conditioning units in hand, they saw nothing but an empty cardboard shell.
Residents assigned to the soon-to-be renovated Hagerstown Hall were told they would be moving into Ellicott once its renovations were complete. These students will now have to stay in Hagerstown for the full academic year.
In an interview with The Hare, Hagerstown resident F. Gru said, “This sucks; I was excited to fully move out halfway through the year,” an opinion no one else has.
“I think it’s for the best,” noted another resident, Vector P. “The University is running out of money anyway, and this might finally give us the funds to give Coach Locksley another raise,” another opinion no one else has.
Public records indicate that a UMPD case was opened into the disappearance of Ellicott Hall, but was quickly closed, the investigation report stating that the building “just did that.”
“We have no feasible explanation for the incident at this time,” commented Chief of Police David Mitchell, counting a large stack of money in an envelope clearly labeled BRIBE. “It is in the public’s best interest that we all move on.” The administration declined to comment on the matter.
In order to placate the growing unrest among Hagerstown AC enthusiasts, Resident Life has put out mattresses in the building’s lobby, seeing as it is the only location in the building that has it. Residents are also given the option to move into the cardboard cutout in Spring 2027.
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